I was burgled last week by disgusting criminals. Here’s what I have to say about it.
Crime. The worst thing of all. Crime. Crime isn’t necessarily a naked rapist running at you down an alley with pulsing genitalia, crime can come in many forms, from your house being broken into, to someone looking at you funny in an ATM queue. Crime is everywhere.
I came home yesterday to a shellshocked flatmate, looking at my broken front door with a thousand yard stare. I fell to my knees and whispered ‘tell me the Microsoft surface pro 3 is ok…’ But his grave face and stony silence confirmed the worst. It was gone. Along with my sick magnetic keyboard.
I walked through those halls as I had a thousand times previously. But they had been changed, sodomised by crimes filthy penis. Defiled. By crime. When crime breaks into your house it touches everything. Even your freezer. This was evidenced by frozen chicken nuggets being scattered across the floor. For the second time in five minutes, I fell to my knees. And wept.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and crushed some chicken nuggets in my dramatically clenched fist. With every crime, must come justice. Unfortunately the junkie thieves were not still on my property to taste my breadcrumbed fist, so justice on this occasion will have to be getting drunk on cheap beer while the locksmith fixes my door and claiming insurance for my tablet. Crime has me beat this time. But next time, I’ll be ready. With a remote control car with a gun sellotaped to it or something.