METAL GEAR SAM : PHANTOM CALLER

Sam Mackeddie sure loves his Metal Gear. He also loves making films weird as possible to the point they are incomprehensible and don’t make any sense. His ideas can be so impenetrable that I felt like I had to sit down while reading the script. The original thing he had was basically me getting carried around a hospital on a stretcher, before being held down and given eyedrops, and then finding all my friends tied up by nooses in the attic. Thankfully I was able to convince him to let me do a sexy dance instead. This is because of his fondness for ‘Room 836’, a black and white film we made about a year ago. Rewatching it, there’s some pretty good moments, but I feel that I prefer to make comedic stuff rather than an actual gritty horror. Not that there’s anything wrong with making films where i die all the time.

The origin of this is definitely from the Prankdial application’s ‘Stop using my Wifi’ call. The first time someone tried to do it to me, I thought it was a friend of mine because of the weirdly bland scottish accent on the line. Sam called me up a half hour later, accusing me of pranking him “I fucking know it was you Carson” whereas I don’t know who did it to either of us. It’s a lot less damaging I suppose than the time they called 3 taxis and 4 fish suppers to my house. I’m still barred from riding with Capital Cars.

The Metal Gear Solid element of this one really doesn’t make much sense other than we wanted to make the opening like ‘Venom’ Snake sitting in the MGSV helicopter. I added the stinger with the call after realising that it’s the other iconic thing in MGS I really like, those phone calls after the credits where they drop bridges of information on you. Oh Kojima, you crazy bastard. Hope to make more post-credit scenes like that. I feel I got the timing just right with all their weird pauses between lines.

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SCOTLAND.MPEG

I’m pretty sure neither Sam or me had any real ideas when we made this. He just picked up a bat and started saying dumb shit. There’s maybe another couple things like this in the editing pipeline, as YouTube is a fan of quantity, not quality. I can not describe what this has done to me psychologically. I have started to feel patriotic in places where I felt no patriotism before. I can confidently say that I’m immune from the ‘500 miles’ effect having lived by Easter road for a couple years, but Glasvegas…a band I used to have such disdain for because they ruined a perfectly good slang term for Glasgow…I’ve been singing that ‘Daddy’s gone’ song for a couple days now and not ironically. I used to think they were just another overproduced band from the overpopulated indie scene of the mid 2000s, I even made fun of the sad nature of it being a daddy issues song. But now I’m listening to it and enjoying it, and even thinking that the guy did an amazing job on the production. The accent being super weegie doesn’t even scratch me, or make me cringe like so many ‘Scottish cringe’ red flags have done so before. What is happening to me? Just a couple months ago I was telling Scotland fans at the six nations how much Scotland never did for me, how much I wanted as a kid to leave and start again somewhere else, somewhere that wasn’t here. Now I’m listening to old Glasvegas songs and actually liking my home country? Be warned : this could be the end of my only shred of personality folks. Check back near New Years Day to see if I’ve got an opinion on the latest ‘Only an Excuse’.

THE CARSON BLAZKOWICZ SHOW (PILOT)

O, Carson what have we done to deserve such majestic fuckery? Let me present the pilot episode of ‘The Carson Blazkowicz Show’. This is our submission into ‘Test Card’, a talent scheme by the Edinburgh TV Festival. I chanced upon an advert at this otherwise dull careers festival and went to see the boys afterwords who agreed to film this with me. It was this, or a completely scripted show which i don’t think we could have done on a budget of nothing. The result is what you see here, a weird talk show using the format as a way to push forward surreal comedy sketches. However, doing this has given us a little insight on what direction to take it from here. I hope that you enjoy this programme, and that you think it’s a good idea for us to continue making them. Otherwise, i’ll have to go back to trying to making Harry Potter fanfiction come alive in front of the greenscreen.