FAKE ADS FOR FAKE DADS

Got a few here for you. Yeah, you heard it. We were commissioned by the one and only Deliveroo to make an advert so bad, that it would make their other ads look like gold in comparison. Turns out, we can’t make a bad advert. Who would have thought it? They want to pay us millions to run this one, because the truth sells. But we’re holding on to it for now. Not in it for the money.

This one is a message from Chris Creem of APB Food Solutions Ltd. I bet it’s no surprise to you that Chris is an insufferable asshole and we throw tennis balls at him when we seem him in the office. I mean we had that whole meeting where we did nothing but call him a fat shit for 45 minutes. But damn does he have some great ideas. I mean, the hot dog water is the best part of your frankfurter meal, but most people just throw it away. As much as I want to leave this guy in a desert to get eaten by a pack of cactus eating meth heads, I stand by the products that he has made. When others just throw it in, Chris works on a product that really is gonna change how we think about bottled foods. I still think he’s a dink though.

It turns out the guy we got to do this one turned out to be a right fanny. He demanded a bunch of weird shit, like workout equipment to take home and an ungodly amount of protein. He also wanted us to tuck him in at night and bathe him in the morning. Bit much for a two hour shoot, don’t you think. Either way, this guy is sick so we had to be nice to him. Can’t believe he tricked me into buying him his monthly shop though. I’m such a fool.

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THE DISSOLUTION OF NANS ACT 2018

Have you heard? By early 2018 the United Kingdom will try and bump up it’s dystopia levels by discontinuing nans. Don’t worry though, if you have a nan, you can get them to register under the G.R.A.N protocol. It’s not what everyone wanted, but the Gran Lobby is getting very tough to control these days. Who thought 3 old ladies could hold 60% of the country’s power by running specific W.R.I halls in the Westminster area? It’s madness, I tell you. Let’s hope the Masons don’t clock on to this and get the ‘Big Papa’ involved.

The idea for this came from a mug that Nadia bought from the Sainsburys across the way. It was only 50p she said, not knowing what a nan was. But it is a nice little cup to have some tea in, just like grandma makes.

HARRY POTTER RETURNS! (RECUT)

Just one last thing before you go out for 2017. Harry Potter is back and bigger than ever, in his debut directors cut edition. That’s right, they’ve started the extended cuts, but only for specific films. This time it’s a new cut of the fourth film, arguably the first one to cut large chunks of the book out of the adaptation. With this latest edition, we will be able to bask in the original’s glory.

THE INTERVIEW WITH DAVIS DOCHERTY

Hello, and goodbye. The year is almost over,today being the only day of the year appropriate to say to someone “see you next year.” Isn’t it cheeky? next year is tomorrow! Other days, it sound so far away. Usually I get a bit soppy on new years but I don’t have any excuses to do that this year. Here’s a treat for you Hogmanay gay divorcees out there, a film about the exposure of a corrupt politicians. Riveting.