This is a submission for Radiophrenia, an annual glasgow radio showcase which i intended to submit a serious piece of crafted comedy to. When it kind of didn’t click for me, i decided to take it in a different direction. I lose faith in my concept, so i try something that’s kind of a parody of podcasting and radio. I swear, parts of it are actually funny. Comedy is subjective however and what you find funny is alien to me and vice versa. Now that you mention it, i’m surprised we’re able to even like the same bands.
Got a few here for you. Yeah, you heard it. We were commissioned by the one and only Deliveroo to make an advert so bad, that it would make their other ads look like gold in comparison. Turns out, we can’t make a bad advert. Who would have thought it? They want to pay us millions to run this one, because the truth sells. But we’re holding on to it for now. Not in it for the money.
This one is a message from Chris Creem of APB Food Solutions Ltd. I bet it’s no surprise to you that Chris is an insufferable asshole and we throw tennis balls at him when we seem him in the office. I mean we had that whole meeting where we did nothing but call him a fat shit for 45 minutes. But damn does he have some great ideas. I mean, the hot dog water is the best part of your frankfurter meal, but most people just throw it away. As much as I want to leave this guy in a desert to get eaten by a pack of cactus eating meth heads, I stand by the products that he has made. When others just throw it in, Chris works on a product that really is gonna change how we think about bottled foods. I still think he’s a dink though.
It turns out the guy we got to do this one turned out to be a right fanny. He demanded a bunch of weird shit, like workout equipment to take home and an ungodly amount of protein. He also wanted us to tuck him in at night and bathe him in the morning. Bit much for a two hour shoot, don’t you think. Either way, this guy is sick so we had to be nice to him. Can’t believe he tricked me into buying him his monthly shop though. I’m such a fool.
Have you heard? By early 2018 the United Kingdom will try and bump up it’s dystopia levels by discontinuing nans. Don’t worry though, if you have a nan, you can get them to register under the G.R.A.N protocol. It’s not what everyone wanted, but the Gran Lobby is getting very tough to control these days. Who thought 3 old ladies could hold 60% of the country’s power by running specific W.R.I halls in the Westminster area? It’s madness, I tell you. Let’s hope the Masons don’t clock on to this and get the ‘Big Papa’ involved.
The idea for this came from a mug that Nadia bought from the Sainsburys across the way. It was only 50p she said, not knowing what a nan was. But it is a nice little cup to have some tea in, just like grandma makes.
I think it might be pretty clear from this video that i don’t like Theresa May. I don’t, nor do i like any of the English Tories, but this was only meant to be a joke. I had this footage of the leaders of the political parties on a table football game, and started to think “oh i could do a short funny thing with these and then the punchline would be theresa may fucked up in calling this election” but as i started to write the song it started to get less silly and more angsty. I did a couple rewrites of the lyrics while sitting on the toilet, and that’s where i do my angriest writing. It turned out kind of funny to me, because she seems like such a laughable, fragile figure who also is a dangerous reactionary. The problem with conservatives is that their views on what the right thing to do for society or the country rarely hold up under the pressure of real life situations. I thought the dumbest thing she said in her campaign was about the terror attacks “Enough is enough.” I had this image of all these radicalised terrorists putting their guns and knives away and shrugging because this woman told them to. The reasons for terror attacks are not always clear, but to then blame something huge and free as the internet for the rise in attacks is ridiculous. The current government doesn’t understand the internet, it scares them. But if you were to schedule it like a drug, you’re only going to put everyone at further risk.
I can’t talk about them for too much because i just get angry. I was happy to see Corbyn finally given the praise he has always deserved and overcome the stabs in the back that the Blairites gave him. It’s why labour has made a comeback in Scotland, they don’t support Scottish labour, because they all seem like a bunch of entitled cunts that can’t be told ‘no’, it’s people like Corbyn they like, somebody who isn’t a stuffy little prick looking down at their constituents.
(Isn’t it weird though how specifically scottish labour are more unlikable than the regular brand? Why did it evolve like that? Just before the election nadia met a bunch of them using a conference room at work and they were treating people like they were on the caste system)
Tim Farron, who cares really. He brought Lib Dem back from the brink, and Clegg got ejected. They fucked up though. They really fucked it with that coalition.
Nicola Sturgeon, we love you. I mean, you’re the best. Whenever somebody criticizes the SNP, they are just mad jealous. I think.
The weird one in the bunch is Ruth Davidson, leader of Scottish Conservative. She always seemed like a walking paradox to me, proud LGBT, remain supporter, – is constantly getting these things dangled in front of her like keys. She doesn’t seem bad, but i still don’t get what to be a scottish conservative is about. It means you like the UK, sure. You don’t like independence, okay. But that was their entire platform this election – just “FUCK THE SNP”. I like the SNP, a lot. Sure they’re maybe a little slow on some things, but you can’t blame them, they’re Scottish. They’re just a bunch of dirty urchin children who grew into those suits.
Ruth Davidson doesn’t really have anything that annoys me, but i feel bad for her. It’s like she seems a little powerless through all this and you don’t really ever get to see what she cares about, why she got into it all. She’s the one tory that i still got sympathy for. but at the same time, i don’t understand how anyone can like the Tories without being an insufferable cunt. I’ve still to meet somebody that was conservative that wasn’t deeply unpleasant to be around.
It’s now been almost a month since the UK held its shambolic EU referendum. Since then, we’ve gotten a new Prime Minister and have been faced with uncertainty of our place in the modern world. It seems that under the conservative government since 2010, we’ve gone backward on all social issues. Hate crime is more prevalent than ever and on the rise in the shadow of a U.S election fuelled by hatred.
It’s fucked. Turkey just had a coup de tat that fell apart overnight, while France swats terrorist flies just as they exit human life, taking a large amount of souls with them. In Pakistan, their equivalent to Kim Kardashian was just strangled to death by her brother in a so called ‘honour killing.’ Things look darker every day and we start to forget about the atrocities that plagued the news cycle only last month. Remember Jo Cox, the MP who got murdered by a right wing nutjob? You probably won’t by the end of the year. It’s soul crushing.
It’s only temporary pain however. There’s always going to be something that makes you forget about this, whether it’s a new video game or an event that brings the slightest glimmer of joy into your life. We all die sooner or later and that’s a slight relief some days. This cycle of bullshit might eventually stop, at least for you. Someone once told me during a discussion “You must be very interested in politics.” My response was “Interested, sort of. Infuriated by, Definitely.” It’s a minefield full of disappointing people who cut each other off at the slightest chance. The left in the U.K has been decimated through a Labour party that can’t stand it’s leader, a man that many people still consider their only real link to the party. A vote of no confidence in their leader, has ensured that the general public has no confidence in any of their other MPs.
It will get better, or it won’t. It probably has always been this bad and we just didn’t realise it. Not just for UK politics, but around the world there is an eternal struggle that sustains itself. Why do people inflict harm on others, and others die for little reason. Why do the marginalised rise up, only to do what was done to them in revenge? We know the answer, but it’s just too depressing to say. Humans are flawed, and as long as we exist, we will keep fucking everything up for someone else out of spite. The government wants to reunite the country, but it’s incredible that anyone thinks that it’s worth saving. Let go of your old passions. They aren’t what you think they are. Find something new, cherish it for as long as you can, because that’s all that matters right now.